Deadpool Reviews: Deadpool and Wolverine

(Deadpool pokes his head around the corner and looks left and right.)

Deadpool: Hey, hey readers of this blog! Psst! Over here! Don't tell the Media Man, but I'm gonna be taking over the blog for this post for today! No offence against that pretentious critic, but I don't exactly trust him to review my latest movie and do it justice, so I'll do it for him. If any of you motherf***ers dare tell him about this, I might have to introduce you to two very sharp friends of mine!

Now I got yer attention, let's begin, shall we? For those of you who have no lives, I, Deadpool, that's me, reel it in, started off as a parody of some loser from the DC Universe. What was his name, Deadsbloke or something? Doesn't matter. I became extremely popular as a result of this creation and have gone on to appear in lots of comics, TV shows, games and of course, movies. I've had two highly successful movies that made a boatload of money at the box office and made fans and critics REALLY happy! Hey all you fans who saw my movies and pulled a ticket out of my ass to see them? Really appreciate it, love you all! (blows kisses)

So naturally, because Marvel loves money more than they love pleasing their fanbase, they had to sign me up to make another Deadpool movie. I know right, ANOTHER Deadpool movie?! You see all the s*** I do to make you guys happy? But this Deadpool movie is a very special case, for it's not just about me this time, it's about me entering the Marvel Cinematic Universe! Oh and Wolverine's here too, but you're not in it for him, you're in it for me so let's not bother bringing him up.

So with that said, do I make it third time lucky? Or am I gonna be feeling Wolverine's claws up my ass when this movie's over? Well... (loads guns and makes click-click noises)...I'm locked and loaded, so let's review this sucker!

The Part Where We Talk About The Story

OK, thought the stories of my previous movies were insane? Try the plot of THIS movie! It's some crazy-ass s*** let me tell you! Get this, I end up teaming up with Wolverine to save the multi-verse from destruction! Who writes this crazy crap, Ryan Reynolds, Rhett Reese, Zeb Wells, Paul Wernick and Shawn Levy? Wait, didn't that last guy direct my movie as well writing this? Never mind.

So how great was the plot of this movie? VERY, that's how! It's got me in it, that makes it great by default! OK, let's be serious and really review this thing as if we're Roger Ebert writing one of his big, fancy film reviews. Don't worry, I won't insult any of you by saying if you like the Transformers movies, you're idiots, I'm not that much of a d***...

The movie's highlight, other than yours truly, is the humour. You like funny movies, then you're in for a really funny movie! I've got all kinds of jokes for you in here. Slapstick, over-the-top violence, black comedy, blue comedy, red-and-black comedy (no wait, that's my suit), fourth wall breaking, biting-the-hand humour, nerdy film trivia that only true geeks will find humour in, we've got it all! I might have to warn you though that some of you may not get every single joke in there, especially if you're not a die-hard Marvel fan. If you only watch MCU movies and don't watch any of the Fox movies, you'll especially be lost on some of the jokes there. But for you die-hards that do find this kind of stuff funny? You'll get it and you will laugh at it!

And given this is a movie about me, you expect the movie to be as violent and nasty as possible, and you BETTER believe I deliver that in spades! Like the last two movies, the film stays true to what makes me as great and beloved as I am and the fact Disney owns my ass doesn't mean a goddamn thing, because the movie is STILL as violent and nasty as you'd expect from my movies! That especially helps in making the action scenes some of the most epic and crazy s*** you'll ever see in any movie this year, bar none! You like brutal, over-the-top- comically gory action scenes? Well this might be the movie for you! (wink wink)

The movie also serves as a thinly veiled commentary on franchises and how every part of every franchise has its fans, even the less popular ones. Shouldn't surprise you it's thinly veiled since Disney and Marvel writers are as subtle as me when I'm on a killing spree. The message this movie seems to send is that we shouldn't disregard everything else in favour of one universe and that all corners of the fandom deserve a bone or two. Except Fantastic Four fans I guess, they're not worth catering for. Seriously, you should see how viciously those movies get raked over the coals! Poor Chris Evans gets literally skinned alive for f***'s sake! I know not many people like these movies, but come on! If ELEKTRA can be done justice, then why not the Fantastic Four?

Oh and you may be looking at me and saying "Deadpool you amazingly handsome and vulgar man, why are you bringing up people like the Fantastic Four and Elektra in a movie about you and Wolverine?" Well, that's where the real crowd-pleaser comers in! You see, we have cameos galore in this movie from all corners of the Marvel movies by Fox before Disney bought them. Blade, Elektra, Human Torch, X-32 and even Gambit all show up in this movie, and their actors all reprise their roles no less! Isn't that awesome?! Bet you love us now, don't ya?! Everybody knows that cameos are what get your asses in cinema seats after all, and we got those in spades!

So yeah, no surprise whatsoever that this movie all about me getting into a p***ing contest with Wolverine is all great fun and all. Did you expect anything else? But remember, we're movie critics now, so that means we need to start b*****ing about something, cause nobody likes overly positive reviews, am I right? We're on the internet, you all thrive on the negative you miserable, cynical b*****ds! OK then, how's THIS for a negative? Me and Vanessa are just not together anymore, it's never really explained why, and it's all done just to give me something to angst about! What, was the end of my universe not angsty enough for these writers? And Vanessa's barely even in the movie, so we don't get her side of the story and we don't get enough of me and her making sweet love together! Why Marvel and Disney, why would you do this to me? I didn't use Cable's time machine to bring her back to life for this, motherf***ers!

And for you really snobby film buffs out there who actually care about story (Seriously, why do you? Do you guys hate fun or something?), you all might think the movie's just brainless action with nothing of real value to say and is just a bunch of action scenes with no substance. Shows what any of you know, because this movie DOES have things of value to say! But don't take my word for it, see it for yourself! Disney especially would appreciate that as they could do with your money. Inside Out 2's box office gross ain't gonna save them from all their troubles!

Also, this might be a me thing, but the movie seems to take a while to wrap up. There's a few times where it seems like the movie's reaching its climax (no, not that kind of climax you filthy perverts!) but then something else happens and it keeps going, thus making the movie seem longer than it needs to be. I even lampshade it at one point in the movie! No joke, I look at the audience at one point and say "This is the homestretch, I promise!". That joke was my idea by the way, so I should get an additional writing credit, but those hacks didn't give me one for some reason...

Still, I don't really have a lot to criticize. I think the story's well done enough for a movie about me. It's got the style, humour and action that you expect from me and it has all sorts of fan-service-y stuff to make the geeks in the audience happy. Overall, a good time to have for a story in a Deadpool movie!

It's All About Me And My Buddies!

Now let's talk about the wonderful cast I got to work with in this picture.

There's me of course, the main man, the star of the show, the merc with the mouth, Deadpool (played by some hot Canadian guy who owns a football team). Who were you expecting to be the star of a DEADPOOL movie? Deathstroke? Do I need to tell you that I'm great in this movie? That's like telling you all that Disney are a bunch of talentless hacks who leech off of other people's successes to make their fortunes, it's kind of a given. If you wanna see ME kicking ass throughout the movie, being sexy as ever and having a million funny quips at the ready, then you'll be satisfied with my portrayal here. These writers really get me, I think you'll agree. Still don't see why me and Vanessa had to break up here.

And now there's the second star of the movie, Wolverine (played by the Australian guy from The Greatest Showman). He's great too, but not as great as me obviously. And don't worry, we didn't ruin the ending of Logan in order to bring him back, this is a Wolverine from another universe. Come on, even we have respect for other people's works...sometimes anyway! You guys are in this movie to see me and Wolverine fight, and we both deliver on that part, so I imagine that'll make you all really happy. And hey, we got Wolverine in his yellow costume for once! See, we DO care what the fans want after all! Like me, Wolverine has something to angst about since that supposedly makes us superheroes more relatable or something and he gets his happy ending in the end, so it's all good for him.

And then we have our villains, Paradox (played by Charles Ingram) and Cassandra Nova (played by that actor who played Diana, Princess of Wales in some Netflix show about a crown. Dunno what that is, never watched it). Paradox talks like some kind of big shot, but really was just a p***y who ends up looking pathetic thanks to me and Cassandra. He's no big deal. Cassandra on the other hand, HOLY F*** do you not wanna mess with her! You seen what happens when she puts your hands into your face like in this movie?! It's not pretty! Not really sure what her deal is, but she's still a freaky villain that I'm sure will have you all clenching your ass-cheeks in fear whenever she shows up.

Now if you're hoping to see more of my supporting cast from the last two movies...sorry kids, you're outta luck here. Vanessa, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Colossus, Blind Al and the rest only really show up in the beginning and end of the movie. Peter at least shows up a few times and even helps save mine and Wolverine's asses during the climax, and we all love Peter don't we? So that was nice. Still would've been better if the rest of my cast could've appeared more. At least they GOT to appear. Remember the new guys we met in Deadpool 2 like Firefist and Cable? They don't show up again. Firefist isn't even MENTIONED! Come on writers, you could've mentioned him once! That might've made him happy. But you'll be glad to know we didn't bring T.J. Miller back in this movie. NOBODY wants that s***head to return for what he's been saying!

And now I gotta talk about all the cameos that we kept a secret from you all. Gambit, Elektra, Johnny Storm/Human Torch, Blade, Laura/X-23, they all appear again in this movie, and they all get their own second chances to make a name for themselves after their movies didn't go so well...except for Johnny Storm. He ends up skinned alive by Cassandra and I can assure you, that had NOTHING to do with me! But the rest get their times to shine and since we love pleasing you nerds so much, we got their actors to come back and play them all again! We even get Captain America back as Johnny Storm! Aren't we so cool?!

Not every character is great here, but the ones that matter the most, i.e. me and Wolverine, are what you came here for and we rock this movie, so you'll be happy enough with that.

How This Movie Makes Me Look AWESOME!

Movies nowadays seem to put more effort in looking good than in their writing. I'm an exception to this of course, since my movies have both clever writing AND good-looking visuals, but since we already talked about how great the writing is, let's talk about how great the visuals are.

You like crazy action with lots of blood, stabbing, shooting, killing and violence? Of course you do you sick f***s! Why do you think the Saw franchise continues to churn out movie after movie long after the lying b*****ds said that the 7th movie was the last one? Because you guys keep paying to watch graphic violence on the big screen, that's why! And my movie has it all for you. The violence is over-the-top, messy, gory and I imagine some of you might find it a little icky sometimes. But because this is me we're talking about, the violence is done in the wackiest way possible to make it bloody and hilarious! That opening scene with me using Fox-verse Wolverine's skeleton to kill a bunch of people in the most creative ways imaginable while NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" booms in the background is one such example of how we combine gory with funny. Seriously, wait till you see it for yourself! It's messed up but SO funny at the same time! We even managed to have an action scene take place in a car! You ever tried setting a fight scene in a car and pull it off well? It ain't easy, but we managed it and made it as hilarious as can be. I think the Media Man told me the car fight was the funniest scene in the movie for him, and I think that's a valid opinion there. Would've been funnier if I won of course, but beggers can't be choosers.

But the best action scene we have in store for you is when you see me and Wolverine kill a whole punch of Deadpools (it makes about as much sense in context as it does out of it) and the whole thing is one continuous shot as we slaughter them all to the tune of Madonna's "Like A Prayer". You better believe rehearsing that whole scene weren't easy, but we did it and we nailed it! HELL YEAH we nailed it! Also Netflix Daredevil? Eat your heart out! We can do awesome one-shot action scenes too!

But it's not just action scenes we made look good. We made the costumes look great too. I of course had the best-looking costume of the bunch, but let's not make this all about me. Everyone else looks great too. Remember how p***ed people were that Hugh Jackman's Wolverine never got a comic accurate costume? Well he's got it here, and it looks AWESOME! See Fox, it IS possible to have Wolverine in yellow spandex and have it look cool! Maybe I should try it on someday... As for everyone else, they look great too. Even Gambit is depicted with a comic accurate costume, which I imagine made a lot of people happy too.

And there's some CGI in there, because why wouldn't there be? Luckily, the CGI looks really good here and doesn't look out of place or too noticeable. We're not too CGI reliant here, if you wanna know. There's still plenty of practical effects that don't have any CGI in there.

Bottom line, you want a great looking superhero movie? You get one here and you're in for a visual treat!

And Now The Finale...

You guys like me and movies about me? Then you'll REALLY love this movie about me!

It has everything you could want in a third Deadpool movie and more with fan-service galore, cameos from all over the Marvel Fox-verse, me being awesome, Wolverine being awesome and lots of chaotic action between us. If you don't like this movie, then maybe Deadpool movies aren't for you, and that's definitely a YOU problem! For those that know how to have a good time, you'll definitely get a kick outta this! Just don't complain about my movie being "too meta", OK?

That's it for this review. I'm outta here, back to go gallivanting around the multi-verse some more and see what Marvel Fox characters we can bring back next. Love you all, thanks for reading, ciao, bye!

(Deadpool leaves. As soon as he does, the Media Man walks in.)

Media Man: That was a nice holiday. Now let's see what I'm reviewing to... (stops and looks around) Huh? Has somebody already been here?

(sighs in exasperation)

Deadpool, did you take over my blog again?!

The Media Man's Real Thoughts: Overall, I found this a really good time with some fantastic humour that only Deadpool can provide, a lot of great fan-service, creative fight scenes, scene-stealing performances from Ryan and Hugh and some cool visuals. My few criticisms include the movie only being accessible to die-hard Marvel fans, a lot of jokes only really being funny if you're a Marvel movie buff who knows a lot of obscure facts and trivia, thus making the movie too meta for its own good, the film barely feels like it follows on from Deadpool 2, Wade's supporting cast getting side-lined, the climax is too long and Wade and Vanessa being broken up felt pointless overall as it's just a plot-device to make Wade angsty and also makes his accomplishments in the last two movies feel they were for nothing in the end. Still one of the most fun movies I've seen all year and the most enjoyable Marvel movie I've seen in a while. Still think the first Deadpool is the best of the films, but this one's a close second.

Next week I'm reviewing the Thomas and Friends movie Hero of the Rails. See you then media fans!